Getting older won’t necessarily give me more clarity, as I’ve very clearly observed in my case. I had a lot more conviction at 15 and 18 and 21, than I have now. Probably experience has taught me to be more careful and cautious, but it’s not something I’ve yet adapted to. Probably there is still some life left to kill.There’s a want to excel, but a need to be myself, maybe a little different from others, departing from the usual meaning of excellence. But since I’m in a confused age and haven’t yet been able to clearly define my meaning of excellence, I feel like I’m following a well tread path. There is a comfort in knowing how the path goes, deriving benefits from my predecessors’ experiences, but there’s a desire to run away from this comfort. To create my own path. But while I have a silent confidence in my abilities to carve out such a road, there’s this doubt if it is the flip side of ignorance. There’s the societally embedded fear of failure since the stakes are higher every minute.
A person like me, who thrives on clarity of thought feels a little confused at 26. And since confusion is many times a precursor to great things, sometimes I start doubting my dependence on clarity.
This is the Sciolist.